Jeremy Wagner's Grotesque Blessings #3
In the spirit of Halloween and all things macabre and relevant to metal and hard rock, I give you: THE MOST FAMOUS BODY PARTS in METAL & HARD ROCK
by: Jeremy Wagner
1. Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath): fingers. The lord of heavy metal guitar riffing once suffered an industrial accident at the age of 17 in a sheet metal factory. Iommi lost the tips of the middle and ring finger of his right hand. Iommi wore plastic covers over the damaged digits. He fashioned these himself, by melting plastic liquid-soap bottles into a ball and then using a soldering iron to make holes in the ball. He then put his fingers in this mass while the plastic was still soft enough to be shaped. From there, Iommi trimmed and sanded away the excess plastic to leave himself with two thimbles, which he later covered with leather in order to provide a better grip on the strings. Subsequent tips have been custom-made over the years. Now that's METAL!!!

2. Gene Simmons (KISS): tongue. Simmons' famous tongue has been measured at over 7 inches long. However, Gene's not bashful about being selfish and greedy, so one wonders if he's really used that oral muscle to satisfy anyone other than himself.

3. Glen Benton (Deicide): forehead. The godfather to all things Satanic, Benton is renowned for an inverted cross he has repeatedly branded into his forehead over the years, giving himself a permanent and unholy scar that Kerry King would be hard-pressed to match.

4. Dead (Mayhem): skull (pieces). When Dead blew his own head off with a shotgun, it was rumored that fellow Mayhem bandmate Euronymous made a stew with pieces of Dead's brain, and also made necklaces with fragments of Dead's obliterated skull. Members of Mayhem later stated that the "brain stew" rumor was false, but the "skull-fragment necklaces" were indeed true. Euronymous claimed to have given these necklaces to musicians he deemed worthy.

5. Tommy Lee (Motley Crue): penis. Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson's home videos are famous and "member-able". The tall and scrawny drummer drove vehicles with his cock. Moreover, his penis is the featured POV in the first chapter of his book, "Tommyland", and on MTV's claymation series "Celebrity Deathmatch", Ron Jeremy is stabbed in the eye by Tommy Lee's titanic member. Funny how his private parts are more unforgettable than the last Crue album.

6. Wendy O. Williams (Plasmatics): breasts. The lead singer for the Plasmatics was always operating at near nudity -- even while chain-sawing guitars. Just check out the Wendy O. Williams _Stand by Your Man_ EP, or the _W.O.W._ LP, and you'll see this lady wasn't messing around -- or shy.

7. Lemmy Kilmeister (Motorhead): moles. Lemmy has a legendary look -- mutton-chops with a sideburn-moustache combo and those very large and distinct moles. Those celebrated moles are 100% metal and have made Lemmy a cult figure. When Lemmy dies, those moles just might make it in to one of the Hard Rock Caf├ęs (then again, that might not be a good call for a restaurant).

8. Dee Snider (Twisted Sister): incisors. Back in the '80s, when Twisted Sister were at their peak, frontman Dee Snider filed his front teeth into sharp points like a metal Nosferatu. Tipper Gore and Howard Stern took notice.

9. Kirk Hammett (Metallica): appendix. Metallica's lead guitarist had his appendix burst in London during a November 1998 European promotional tour for _Garage Inc._, and it forced the guitar legend to perform some shows in a chair post-op. If this journalist remembers correctly, I believe Kirk actually gave the bottled organ to a fan on a TV show.

10. Rick Allen (Def Leppard): arm. On December 31, 1984, Def Leppard's drummer, Rick Allen, was driving his Corvette Stingray to a New Year's Eve party in his hometown of Sheffield, England. Allen lost control of his car; it flipped several times before he was thrown from the vehicle, his left arm severed just below the shoulder. To his credit, Allen overcame his disability and continues to play drums for Def Leppard to this day.

11. John Bonham (Led Zeppelin): liver: John Bonham was one of the most legendary drinkers in the history of rock. Bonzo was known to toss back alcohol throughout the day, and some writers say he was also a mean drunk. That said, on the day he died, Bonham had consumed forty measures of vodka which resulted in pulmonary edema, and the world lost one of the greatest rock drummers of all time.

12. Peter Steele (Type O Negative): anus. Like Tommy Lee, Type O's frontman is known for the equipment between his legs -- thanks to Playgirl magazine. However, Steele's also known for another body part that's even scarier. On the original cover artwork for TON's second album, _The Origin of the Feces_, Peter Steele's anal sphincter is featured in all of its hairy, buttock-spreading glory. (Suddenly this writer finds all those nasty porn-death-metal album covers really wholesome now.)

Happy Halloween!

(article submitted 24/10/2009)


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