Napalm Records News Blowout
Some actual news we haven't nicked from other sites.
by: Daniel Cairns
My esteemed colleague Quentin sent me an e-mail the other day with some news items he'd been sent from Napalm Records. No, I'd never heard of them either. And no, I don't particularly give an arse about all this, but I'll write about it because it's news, OK? You pricks.

First things first...

"Hollenthon, the cult metal band revolving around scene legend Martin Schirenc has been nominated for the Amadeus Austrian Music Award in two categories: "Hard & Heavy Band" and "Hard & Heavy Song". This year the jury will no longer decide the winner, but rather the fans! Prove your good taste in music by casting your vote for Hollenthon! We are counting on you!"

I love the category names. They sound vaguely pornographic. Also I've no idea what Hollenthon sound like... give me two seconds whilst I check them out...

Oh man. You should all vote for them because they're pretty fucking funny. And good, if I'm honest. It's mad symphonic black metal. They should do a dirty film called "Hard and Heavy" and get Hollenthon to do the soundtrack. It'd be fucking epic. Like John Williams scoring a Ben Dover film or something.

Next up...

"Exciting news just in from the Lacrimas Profundere camp: "The new video to the track "And God's Ocean" is now exclusively online on MySpace. This latest clip delivers the last 3 months of our hard work and supports "Die Sandmänner" -- an initiative that fights to end child poverty in Germany. Lacrimas Profundere will donate each and every Euro earned by the single to "Die Sandmänner". Make sure to get in touch with your local radio and TV station -- every Euro counts! Last but not least, the band sends a big 'thank you' to MySpace for supporting this noble cause!"

Metal bands should not be supporting noble causes that help children. They should be eating children. Next!

"Finnish Epic Fantasy Metal veterans Battlelore have renewed their contract with Napalm Records. Now nothing stands in the way of further journeys into Tolkien's legendary realm of Middle Earth. Music fans who still have not experienced the unique sound of Battlelore, may listen here."

Jyri Vahvanen: "We are very proud and happy to continue our musical journey under the Napalm Records banner. The new deal guarantees good conditions for future Battlelore albums, and for that we are very pleased!"

I love all this Tolkien crap, which reminds me I am very much looking forward to the new "Hobbit" film being done by Guilerm... Guillle... Gui... that fat Spanish dude. I hope he puts loads of penis monsters in it, and casts Ron Perlman as a wisecracking Gandalf. If Perlman plays his cards right, he could very well end up as awesome as Bruce Campbell, Keith David or Vin Diesel.

If it ends up half as good as "The Chronicles of Riddick", I will be most pleased. Especially if Karl Urban is in it again with a ludicrous flat top. Flat tops are great. They're the latest style. Especially if you're a bitter hack without a proper day job and a penchant for Vimto.

More Napalm News after I come back from serving some shitty old people some booze...

(article submitted 23/7/2009)

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