BrokeNCYDE - _I'm Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It._
(BreakSilence Recordings, 2009)
by: Daniel Cairns (6.5 out of 10)
This lot have caused a bit of a stir amongst the metal press. Described by a fellow publication as a "shitstain on the ass of the universe", they have provoked ire and admiration in equal quantity. So, as CoC's idiot purveyor all things recent and happenin', I decided to take a plunge and submerge headfirst into the fetid swamp that is screamo-crunk and their brightest lights, brokeNCYDE.

I was clearly not prepared.

Listening to this album is like looking into the future. And then the future shoots you in the face. And then pisses on your corpse. And then teabags your exit wound. It's an Orwellian nightmare, assuming the guise of a blatantly retarded group of gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the sound of a million dystopian novels screaming "I fucking told you so!"

I mean, you just need to look at pictures of them to reach your own conclusion. Hair whizzes off at a million angles in a million colours, shocking pinks and yellows are worn with pride and they wear stupid Kanye West style glasses. Fair enough, we've all committed the odd heinous fashion faux pas in our time. I myself sported an ill advised Billy Idol style bleach blonde buzzcut for a short time, but I grew up and decided upon letting it recede gracefully. But these guys... just... just... FUCKING HELL.

So how's the music? Well, brokeNCYDE's gimmick is that they rap over turgid hip hop beats in a screamo style, which pretty much amounts to death grunting about making women's pussies wet. Every song is about pee-pees, dicks, bumholes, tits and vaginas. It's actually pretty fucking funny, but all the same it sucks. It's like the schoolboy naughtiness of the first Mr Bungle album, without the charm. Or the talent.

The thing is though, as much as they appall and upset me, I can't completely hate brokeNCYDE, as they blatantly display a modicum of self-awareness. Look at the album title. Or the promo shots. Surely, they can't take themselves seriously whilst posing like that, can they? There has to be a cynical Machiavellian mogul behind the band, eager to rape the wallets of stupid children everywhere.

In light of the fact that they're clearly designed to take advantage of dumb people, I'm willing to give brokeNCYDE's debut a mark of over 5. There's a clear contempt for the target audience here, and for once I commend that. Anything that makes idiots seem that much more dim-witted is automatically deserving of some kudos.

And if you don't like that, well... as brokeNCYDE' would probably say, "u cn suk mi fukkin dik. Bitch."

(Sorry mother.)


(article published 4/7/2009)

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